After a recent trip where I encountered the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) several times, it struck me how, if the Secret Service had even half the scruples of this maligned three letter government agency, President Trump’s ear would still be intact, and an attempt on his life never made.

Let me explain.

My wife and I haven’t flown much in the last ten years, but do recall some of the rules concerning what to take and not to take in carryon luggage. My mistake on a recent trip was not noticing that a can of shaving cream (full size) was spotted in the x-ray machine and I was asked to step aside and witness my neatly packed bag turned almost literally upside down in order to reveal the offending toiletry.

The TSA agent, shaking her head and holding up the full-sized can, said the shaving cream was too big. As if I knew that, or should have known that. I should have. God knows, there are all kinds of false-bottom shaving cream cans out there that could possibly contain explosive or other harmful devices or chemicals. How could I have been so careless?

The TSA agent found something else on the fly while exploring my toiletries for the shaving cream. I had placed a mostly plastic, 2-inch square, see-through multitool in the clear plastic toiletries bag. The tool had a magnifying glass, measuring edge, compass, file, bottle opener and . . . unfortunately for me, a “sharp edge.” Gone.

It actually didn’t bother me that much, as these items were easily replaced; I had another identical multitool at home, and because I thought, “Wow, all these years after 9/11, the shoe bomber, etc., the TSA are sharp as nails on this stuff. I really feel safe now.”

The return trip was not so smooth.

I got nailed again, but before they opened my bag and began the sloppy search, I really had no idea what they could be looking for.

I had bought a bottle of perfume and like-scented hand lotion for my wife, fairly expensive for my taste, but long sought after by my wife. Sure enough, the TSA agent began to unwrap the neatly packaged hand lotion, almost twice the limit of 3.4 ounces, factory sealed, manufactured in Norway. The perfume was safe at just 3.4 ounces.

I begged, I pleaded, I gave puppy dog eyes. Nothing doing. The young (probably in her 20’s) TSA agent sensed a battle, so summoned her supervisor, a very polite, fit, trim and proper security woman who stood erect and professional, older than her, maybe just in her 40’s.

The supervisor listened, nodded, and seemed to care about the situation, but said the volume was too much. We would need to get out of line, dump a portion of the $50 lotion, and then get back on line.

How, I asked, would a different agent know what we did and then allow us through without measuring the contents of the container? The supervisor assured me they could tell. We balked. In hind sight, that would have been the thing to do. Just do what they say and trust them.

Instead, in the time it took the supervisor to deal with us, the younger TSA agent came across two items from my clear plastic bag containing my toiletries, minus the too-large can of shaving cream (I did not replace it on the trip, I used the “I forgot my shaving cream” traveler’s hack of using a bar of soap after a warm shower to soften my beard). One large Vaseline Intensive Care for Men lotion bottle, way over 3.4 ounces, that the first TSA agent moved to get to my shaving cream on the original trip. Oh, and that bottle of after shave, also passed over the first time, was now too large as well.

The same option was offered. We could get off the security line, go “dump some of the contents” and then return, hopeful that another TSA agent would allow the items to pass screening.

Again, we balked, and in hind sight probably should have done what they said to do, if for no other reason than for a better story than this one.

It occurred to me that these TSA agents have discretion. On the first trip, the TSA agent had a plethora of items she could have thrown out, but chose only the shaving cream and multi-tool. Man hater? Then why not the after shave and men’s lotion? The lotion even said the words, “for men” on it. And the other was brand named “Mennen,” a clearly masculine name. And the multitool would never have been carried by a woman, in my estimation. Way too many unfeminine options on the multitool, things a woman might ask a man if he had, and of course we would, unless we had just been through security at an airport, in which case she would be out of luck. No, not a man-hater.

Negligent? Perhaps, but assuming the first TSA agent had been at the job a while, spotting contraband should be second nature. She actually had to move the two items snagged on the return trip in order to get to the shaving cream. Maybe it was the metal container of the shaving cream that distracted her from the illegal items in the plastic containers? I noticed them running the bag through the machine several times before I was called over for the inspection.

It has occurred to me that if the Secret Service agents who were supposed to be protecting Donald Trump on July 19, at approximately 6:11 p.m., had the same training as the TSA agents who tossed maybe $75 worth of my toiletry items, Mr. Trump might still have a perfect right earlobe.

Paying attention to detail seems to be the main trait TSA looks for in recruits. If that had been the case that fateful day in Butler, PA, we wouldn’t have to put up with all the fuss about trying to kill Joe Biden’s, oops! Excuse me, Kamala (did I pronounce that right?) Harris’s main political opponent. Plan B apparently is sentencing Donald Trump to jail in a made-up financial case in which no one was harmed, upset, put out or at a loss except a certain prosecutor who ran on a platform of “Get Trump.”

Where was I? Oh, yeah, TSA vs. Secret Service. In my book, you could easily substitute TSA for Secret Service and then get a much better outcome, maybe even neutralizing the assassin before he got off EIGHT SHOTS at the target.

Actually, the saving grace may have been an egotistical shooter. If he had been trained by the military, he would have shot center of mass and probably hit something besides an earlobe. Then we would have found out if Donald Trump was wearing a bullet proof vest or not.

By the way, I went back to the second TSA agent in hopes of begging her out of the expensive perfumed lotion. She ignored me, but I saw her throwing away other people’s stuff in a closer waste basket than she used for my stuff. When we left her with our stuff, she walked away with it, past the little waste basket nearby. Hmm?

Could it be possible she kept the stuff for herself? Calling all TSA agents! Can you help me out? What say you?

After all that, I finally got the TSA agent’s attention and begged more, but she said she’s not allowed to take things out of the trash, and that I couldn’t do it either.

Moral of the story: 1) Watch what you pack in your carry-ons, and 2) ask if any of your Secret Service agents first worked for the TSA before snagging a personal protective detail on your presidential campaign.

Montgomery Granger (@mjgranger1 on ‘X’, GETTR, GAB, TruthSocial and BlueSky) is a Christian, husband, father of five, retired educator, veteran and author of “Saving Grace at Guantanamo Bay: A Memoir of a Citizen Warrior.”